Keep on running

 

Hello again.

Since I am currently on a social media hiatus, I thought I’d post these updates here.

Currently finding peace and tranquility in running. And I’ve been running quite a bit. Finding peace in silence and with oneself. I’ll be honest , I’ve always been highly critical of my self and my appearance . Always being hard on myself for how I look and feel , never really doing anything about it. 

It wasn’t until the pandemic hit that I really began to be more introspective and attempting to change the things within. With myself, and appearance was at the top of that list ..

So I started running.

Then I gave myself the goal to do a marathon , and I did it! It was the hardest physical thing I’ve ever done. And then just like that it was just a memory . I’ve kept up with the running since then, hoping to do another marathon fairly soon.

Aside from that I’ve been doing more art more tattoos, and being a single daddio. There is never enough time in the day to do everything but there’s art in balancing it all. And I gotta say I am kicking ass at it! 

I’m still a sad little boy . But I’m working through that. It’s a never ending battle. Trying to find healthy outlets for the sake of my self and my little ones. 

They are my everything.

I promise I will write more on here, that’s another goal .

To write my thoughts down. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.

Til next time . 

sometimes i cant believe im a father. It fucking trips me out.
ME?!!!! lmao
man, life is a trip. been a single dad for a year and some change.
And im still here mother fuckers.

??did you think i'd lay down and die??

I  have never been as focused in life as i have been the last few months,
Were they crazy, hectic, full of emotions and mental breakdowns? hell yeah.
But we got through it.

Pretty much alone.
Thats fucking hard.

what can i take away from it?
That for my whole adult life ive tried so hard to get this LOVE/Relationship shindig right...I craved it, Yearned for it...

and i still couldnt make it work.
But i guess it wont work till you're truly happy with yourself.
and i wasnt, I hadnt been for a while.

So life handed me lemons.
I've tried to handle my impending divorce with as much grace and patience as i possibly could.
I'm glad to say i havent fumbled.

My wife didnt want to be with me anymore, and I didnt want to chase anyone. so there it ended.


what am i trying to say?

Dont make your life about one person, its toxic, its not healthy , dont lose yourself. Not cause it might turn ugly but you might come out of it not knowing who you are anymore. I know for a little while i felt lost. dying to be a good father and husband that when it ceased to exist, i couldnt function.

Slowly but surely I found myself, continuing to do so, not only find what i forgotten but adding to it being an ever evolving human.

am i bitter? hmmm i wrestle with that. Sometimes i am , and sometimes i am not.

all in all its made me a better human, a more patient father, and a stronger individual.
I am no longer who i can meet the desires of, who i can fix. Im over all that shit.

Maybe cause i have kids and i can put my energy into that.
Maybe thats the blessing ,maybe thats the curse.
what i do know is , i finally know and can see my worth.
im not budging anymore.

ITS FUCKING 2020! HOW CRAZY IS THAT! , i started this blog, TEN YEARS AGO??! vomit!!!! lol

bye!

silence.

its been almost a year since i've last written on here.
alot has happened.

Its crazy i use to come here to vent about failed relationships.

but i never imagined that my marriage would end the way it did. i honestly assumed that i would continue to come here and vent and that would be my outlet.

Its been a year of separation
a year of self reflection
a yea of self discovery.

Throughout this last year, i've wanted to come back and write, no longer for an audience but to just look back and reflect.

But i had nothing to write about.
 Sure i was distraught, i had moments where i was unbearably sad. moments of realization that the writing was on the wall in regards of my marriage.

i still cant figure out if i was trying to prove something to myself , something to others? dying to prove that my marriage would work. Losing my self in the process.

I DIDNT REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOST MYSELF.  i gave up a part of me to try and make it work. I stopped caring about myself, my appearance , my morals, my goals and aspirations. I just wanted to make my partner happy. Be who i thought she needed me to be.
Thats not her fault.

I put that pressure on myself. reeling from the last failed relationship dying to prove that i could do better, i could carry the load, i wouldn't give up on my partner. i refused to make the same mistake twice.

but it didn't matter.
she found someone new, painted as a unfixable marriage and left.
and for all the times i complained about my wife i guess i brought upon myself.

coming on here to write how miserable and sad i was and it came to fruition.

We are never content with the way things happen when they dont happen according to the way we wanted it to happen.

Here I was , miserable , sad, frustrated, with life and my marriage and the universe solved that dilemma, "here ya go you piece of shit" you wanted out, here it is.


and let me tell you, boy did it almost defeat me. it was ptsd , shell shock, here you are spending every waking moment with someone for five years, and just like that they stopped coming home... It was a harsh truth. i realized i made her my life so when she left , i didn't know how to function. i Lost my sense of idenity. i was happy to be a husband  a father even throughout  the frustration and sadness i held on to idea of for better or worse. til death do us part.

and from one day to the next. I had to deal. had to move on. i had two boys to take care of. it was hard. it was hardest thing to deal with in my life. being utterly alone, completely unprepared to be a single father, with a 4 year old and a 2 year old.

slowly but surely, the anxiety began to fade.
the stomach turning  didnt tug and pull as hard.
i learned how to get along with myself.

man its all blessing in disguise.
this experience has made me a better father, better human, and hopefully a better partner.

i've made peace with alot of it. Even if it wasnt on my call, its something that i wanted to happen but never had the guts to go through with it.

in the process i managed to mend a bridge i had broken with stina. We reunited after 6 years of not seeing eachother. our kids got to meet and we had breakfast. It was nice. it was amazing to see how far she has come , so much shes accomplished on her own and continues to strive for.
she's still the lovely crank i remember. :)
It was great to not say much but make peace with our past. It was great to hug her after yearning for the day i would see her in person, not as a lover but a best friend.

Shes a very forgiving person a sweetheart, shes had every right to say fuck off to me for some of the things i've said to her, but she welcomed me to her home and  was happy to see me as much as i was happy to see her.or at least i hope.

i have been holding onto my idea of loving her again and the truth is i never stopped. it was tucked away, sometimes blurring the lines between lovers and friends.
but it never went away and will probably always be there to some capacity.

now i know. now im at peace with it.

i believe everything happens for a reason.
 a year later, i believe i am finding myself. i believe im a great father and a decent human who desires to be better everyday.
i can feel it in my bones.

i wanna start writing here again. but it was an outlet, not the solution to the problems.

for the first time in a long time , i've never been better. :)

the dark.

testing testing.


what a week it has been. cathartic. I've been feeling a type of way for a long time. Sad, disenchanted.
I made the decision to end my marriage.
When someone keeps telling you that they don't know how they feel about you , and they don't know if they love you anymore , it gets really fucking difficult to try and make a marriage work.
For the last five years I've tried to put my everything into this relationship, this marriage (1 year). I've always  gotten a constant its not enough and again and again I've said I will do better I could better. and I'd try and plan trips, id try and be more present in the moment I've sacrificed what I feel is my happiness in order to keep my wife happy and it just wasn't enough.


So this past weekend, she decided to post a video of a guy coworker blowing her kisses. then proceeded to get a car ride from this guy. and I get it , it could be harmless, it could not mean a thing but considering our current relationship on the rocks, her not telling me "hey im gonna get a ride with so and so" and me having to find this out from outside sources was just the last straw for me. It is incredibly complicated to feel so alone in a town where you don't know anyone , don't really have friends and your wife makes no effort to see how I am how I feel or value my opinion. and just like that , I said this is enough. I am not happy, This is not a marriage and I don't want to do this anymore.

She  said im not doing anything fucking wrong so I don't care what you think.


and I said okay. well I cant do this anymore.


I messaged stina cause I miss her dearly, there has not been a day where little glimpse of her face parades my mind. I miss my friend, so I called her. selfishly so. I was hoping she would be as excited to hear from me as I was to finally conjure up the courage to make the call. I honestly don't know what she got from it. in retrospect I understand, who'd want to  get a message from their past saying I just wanna talk, with complete disregard for what might be going on in their own lives. its a heavy load. it definitely wasn't the response I expected. but I had many daydreams about how we would reconnect and how great that would be but life is more complicated than that. I am glad I did it though cause there is no doubt left lingering I just wished I didn't wait as long and I wish I didn't let someone dictate who can and cant talk to. that tis life though. THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP MY CALL.


I hope I have the patience to handle fatherhood with grace, my ezra, his characteristics mirror his mothers and I hope I don't take my frustrations out on him subconsciously. I try to be ultra aware of my tone, my voice my demeanor when I speak to my son, but there is no blueprint for raising a child and what works for one person wont work for the other. I hope to get it right, to recognize always that hes only a child for a short time and I should cherish these moments but it gets difficult when me and his mother just don't get along anymore. I know I can do better I need to do better for him and zephyr.
I hope to be at peace with all aspects of the negative person that I am. my anxiety , my temper,  my lack of patience. the universe knows im trying. I've never enjoyed anything more than being a father to my kids. I love hanging out with them it just gets so difficult to work two jobs come home and be a father every evening, its never ending. I feel like a single parent and this weekend I am coming to terms with still learning how to juggle it , you think one kid is hard , imagine having another on the side getting into everything , learning how to walk so youre constantly chasing him around, Who ever said hey I know raising one child is hard, lets reset that and have another has got to be the stupidest person ever. im only kidding, I love both of them and zephyr is growing and learning fast and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just pray for patience and understanding in these tough times.


I took a drive by myself to see a band two hours away on friday. I was dreading it . I don't mind the drive I love driving . its soothing to some degree. but I get major anxiety at being in crowded places, and not having anyone or anything to circumvent that just puts my anxiety through the roof.
but in learning to not rely in others for my happiness , I went. and I am glad I went. I needed a break. I needed an experience to remind my self of who I use to be and that I can still be that person and be a devoted parent. I don't know when I will do it again because I don't really have anyone to watch over the kids , ahhhh. why did I move so far away, why did I make the decision to have children with someone from another state.......gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd!




my in laws interrupted my melatonin induced nap. They wanted to find out if I was sure in the decision I was making . I told them I was. I told them I have had enough. this isn't a marriage , this isn't even close to a marriage. I held nothing back,  I told my mother in law how it hurt me a great deal when she would talk shit about me with out knowing me or getting to know me and how her daughter never stood up for me never defended me and chalked it up to well that's my mom. and how her sister called me a bitch because I didn't want to watch her daughter  so she can go party and my wife chalked it up to well that's my sister cant do much about that. so I told her that's not right, how much more as  A HUMAN BEING am I suppose to put up with , from you (the mother in law) your daughters and my wife. that's enough. I've given up the things I've cherished the most in order to make it work with my wife to be the man I thought I needed to be in order to keep her happy and it was never enough. She apologized and I said its okay , its happened. but this isn't just a moment in time. I just didn't wake up one day and said I think im gonna leave my wife today, this has been an accumulation of build up  of secrets, manipulation and breaking me down mentally and emotionally and I am done with that. I will still try my hardest to be the best dad I can be and provide and move on and be good again. but yeah im pretty sure in my decision. it has been one hell of a week and ive cried my tears and I've said what I've needed to say. now its time to move on with the next chapter of what is my life.

take it easy baby it ain't over yet

Washing bottles always feels therapeutic. It's almost as if there's not much you can do to speed up the process. I guess you can skip boiling them. I don't know if I could live with that tho.so I wash the bottles at a convenient time almost always around this time, put the baby to sleep, Ezra comes down every ten minutes to check in on me gives me a handshake and a kiss on the cheek. I tell him comedown one more time and I'll smack his butt , it's time for bed, he says okay papa. There are moments like these where i tell myself I can do it. I can do it all , be everything to my sons, be successful in art and health. Putting my happiness in others til it consumes me and annoys them. I remember stina told me that she never had one picture of her parents together until her 16thcbirthday.
I think about that a lot and how something like that would affect my own kids. How they will never see their parents happy together, how they will never understand why they didn't try to work it out. I do believe we have it in us to be good co parents or civil or what ever you want to call it, or at least I hope so. Who knows. She had that picture on her fridge for a while , and I'm sure my kids will do that too someday , in some digital form lol. I love my kids, I love them when they bugg me when I'm trying to get work done, I love it when Ezra tries to help me with zephyr only making it more difficult. I love when zephyr is determined to walk but just can't get the hang of it so he screams and cries and breaks a sweat trying to walk again. He's a determined little dude. I don't have regrets about my kids , if anything they've made me compassionate, driven, happy. I just wish I could give them a stable relationship with their parents. It breaks my heart to think of it and I hope it doesn't define them. I hope they see regardless of what me and their mother have gone through our love for them only goes stronger everyday, I hope they realize it as the grow as men. There's a lot of crazy things in the world , and while love is important I hope the lack of it or yearn for it doesn't define them like it has me.

Crave that human touch.
Wrap around my arms your hips .
Sit at my bedside while I hug your stomach.
Run my fingers through your arm up to your shoulders.
Cause i miss human touch.  I yearn for it. It's crazy having a partner and having that human touch reciprocated. Appreciated.
I miss being adored. I miss someone looking into my eyes and tellin me they love me, and I can actually feel it. I miss it being in the air so much it's toxic to people surrounding us.  It's been a while since I've received anything remotely similar.
Adoring grins through rimmed mugs .
Holding hands while feeling a summer breeze between our connected arms.
I miss wrapping my arms around someone from behind.
Put your head on my lap, let me run my fingers through your hair and trust me enough to fall asleep. Kiss me before you go before we handle the worlds struggles.
We are Sisyphus and that's okay cause we can rest our bones in each others arms
I turned 30 yesterday.
And I wish I was adored at least for that one day.
I miss that human touch.

i feel the distance between us, could be over, with a snap of the fingers.

b.flow @the troubadour! u wish u were there!:)

to last minute decisions and everlasting memories!

this coke expires on my bday,so i bought another and im gonna drink on my bday!

born to run!

lol. i do not hook up! i dont care for her version but the gaslight anthem version breathes new light! you should check it out...

so i named this thing! after a yeah yeah yeah song...

check it out! "its a dull life" .

well life has thrown me a curve ball is ...its scary at best! but exciting at the same time...its lonely but comforting. bored but content!

im in kansas ,getting trained for a new job! (retail was a blast,but the wages were blasphemy).theres a handful of people i miss! but this makes me appreciate em even more (if you think ur apart of that handful of people, ure probrally right!)

:)

these past 2months have been something else...a whirlwind of emotions,good eats,and wild fun.

a friend of mine asked me to get back to writing on this ...(seein as i only wrote in it once) (here's lookin at you ,melissa) :)

i've got a friend who got me out of my art rut that i was in.somethin' that i appreciate so much!

i've got a friend who makes me smile and is a true pirate and vagabond at heart,somethin' i truely admire!

i've got a friend who collects shoes ,and thats crazie bananas!but i envy!

i've got a friend of brothers that have tongues as sharp as knives!

and i got a friend that saved me from my self! something im internally grateful for!

(I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES)

:)

i saw scott pilgrim! and i was amazed!...it was corny bright and funny!

go see it!...

i saw kick ass!..and that was good too...but i saw em the same day and i was kinda like ,"this is too much cornyness for one day"

life is good!

an optimist at best.

Glory days well they'll pass you by
Glory days in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days, glory days

oh kelly clarkson!

butch is cool cause he bit 2 people this week!

listen to:

japanese cartoon (lupe fiasco's punk/rock/sideproject)

atmosphere : "to all my friends"

tom waits : "san diego serenade"

gaslight anthem: bring it on

b.o.b : past my shades

against me! : because of the shame

these songs will change ur life! well maybe not , but it'll affect ur week!

go check em out!