testing testing.
what a week it has been. cathartic. I've been feeling a type of way for a long time. Sad, disenchanted.
I made the decision to end my marriage.
When someone keeps telling you that they don't know how they feel about you , and they don't know if they love you anymore , it gets really fucking difficult to try and make a marriage work.
For the last five years I've tried to put my everything into this relationship, this marriage (1 year). I've always gotten a constant its not enough and again and again I've said I will do better I could better. and I'd try and plan trips, id try and be more present in the moment I've sacrificed what I feel is my happiness in order to keep my wife happy and it just wasn't enough.
So this past weekend, she decided to post a video of a guy coworker blowing her kisses. then proceeded to get a car ride from this guy. and I get it , it could be harmless, it could not mean a thing but considering our current relationship on the rocks, her not telling me "hey im gonna get a ride with so and so" and me having to find this out from outside sources was just the last straw for me. It is incredibly complicated to feel so alone in a town where you don't know anyone , don't really have friends and your wife makes no effort to see how I am how I feel or value my opinion. and just like that , I said this is enough. I am not happy, This is not a marriage and I don't want to do this anymore.
She said im not doing anything fucking wrong so I don't care what you think.
and I said okay. well I cant do this anymore.
I messaged stina cause I miss her dearly, there has not been a day where little glimpse of her face parades my mind. I miss my friend, so I called her. selfishly so. I was hoping she would be as excited to hear from me as I was to finally conjure up the courage to make the call. I honestly don't know what she got from it. in retrospect I understand, who'd want to get a message from their past saying I just wanna talk, with complete disregard for what might be going on in their own lives. its a heavy load. it definitely wasn't the response I expected. but I had many daydreams about how we would reconnect and how great that would be but life is more complicated than that. I am glad I did it though cause there is no doubt left lingering I just wished I didn't wait as long and I wish I didn't let someone dictate who can and cant talk to. that tis life though. THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP MY CALL.
I hope I have the patience to handle fatherhood with grace, my ezra, his characteristics mirror his mothers and I hope I don't take my frustrations out on him subconsciously. I try to be ultra aware of my tone, my voice my demeanor when I speak to my son, but there is no blueprint for raising a child and what works for one person wont work for the other. I hope to get it right, to recognize always that hes only a child for a short time and I should cherish these moments but it gets difficult when me and his mother just don't get along anymore. I know I can do better I need to do better for him and zephyr.
I hope to be at peace with all aspects of the negative person that I am. my anxiety , my temper, my lack of patience. the universe knows im trying. I've never enjoyed anything more than being a father to my kids. I love hanging out with them it just gets so difficult to work two jobs come home and be a father every evening, its never ending. I feel like a single parent and this weekend I am coming to terms with still learning how to juggle it , you think one kid is hard , imagine having another on the side getting into everything , learning how to walk so youre constantly chasing him around, Who ever said hey I know raising one child is hard, lets reset that and have another has got to be the stupidest person ever. im only kidding, I love both of them and zephyr is growing and learning fast and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just pray for patience and understanding in these tough times.
I took a drive by myself to see a band two hours away on friday. I was dreading it . I don't mind the drive I love driving . its soothing to some degree. but I get major anxiety at being in crowded places, and not having anyone or anything to circumvent that just puts my anxiety through the roof.
but in learning to not rely in others for my happiness , I went. and I am glad I went. I needed a break. I needed an experience to remind my self of who I use to be and that I can still be that person and be a devoted parent. I don't know when I will do it again because I don't really have anyone to watch over the kids , ahhhh. why did I move so far away, why did I make the decision to have children with someone from another state.......gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd!
my in laws interrupted my melatonin induced nap. They wanted to find out if I was sure in the decision I was making . I told them I was. I told them I have had enough. this isn't a marriage , this isn't even close to a marriage. I held nothing back, I told my mother in law how it hurt me a great deal when she would talk shit about me with out knowing me or getting to know me and how her daughter never stood up for me never defended me and chalked it up to well that's my mom. and how her sister called me a bitch because I didn't want to watch her daughter so she can go party and my wife chalked it up to well that's my sister cant do much about that. so I told her that's not right, how much more as A HUMAN BEING am I suppose to put up with , from you (the mother in law) your daughters and my wife. that's enough. I've given up the things I've cherished the most in order to make it work with my wife to be the man I thought I needed to be in order to keep her happy and it was never enough. She apologized and I said its okay , its happened. but this isn't just a moment in time. I just didn't wake up one day and said I think im gonna leave my wife today, this has been an accumulation of build up of secrets, manipulation and breaking me down mentally and emotionally and I am done with that. I will still try my hardest to be the best dad I can be and provide and move on and be good again. but yeah im pretty sure in my decision. it has been one hell of a week and ive cried my tears and I've said what I've needed to say. now its time to move on with the next chapter of what is my life.
