silence.

its been almost a year since i've last written on here.
alot has happened.

Its crazy i use to come here to vent about failed relationships.

but i never imagined that my marriage would end the way it did. i honestly assumed that i would continue to come here and vent and that would be my outlet.

Its been a year of separation
a year of self reflection
a yea of self discovery.

Throughout this last year, i've wanted to come back and write, no longer for an audience but to just look back and reflect.

But i had nothing to write about.
 Sure i was distraught, i had moments where i was unbearably sad. moments of realization that the writing was on the wall in regards of my marriage.

i still cant figure out if i was trying to prove something to myself , something to others? dying to prove that my marriage would work. Losing my self in the process.

I DIDNT REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOST MYSELF.  i gave up a part of me to try and make it work. I stopped caring about myself, my appearance , my morals, my goals and aspirations. I just wanted to make my partner happy. Be who i thought she needed me to be.
Thats not her fault.

I put that pressure on myself. reeling from the last failed relationship dying to prove that i could do better, i could carry the load, i wouldn't give up on my partner. i refused to make the same mistake twice.

but it didn't matter.
she found someone new, painted as a unfixable marriage and left.
and for all the times i complained about my wife i guess i brought upon myself.

coming on here to write how miserable and sad i was and it came to fruition.

We are never content with the way things happen when they dont happen according to the way we wanted it to happen.

Here I was , miserable , sad, frustrated, with life and my marriage and the universe solved that dilemma, "here ya go you piece of shit" you wanted out, here it is.


and let me tell you, boy did it almost defeat me. it was ptsd , shell shock, here you are spending every waking moment with someone for five years, and just like that they stopped coming home... It was a harsh truth. i realized i made her my life so when she left , i didn't know how to function. i Lost my sense of idenity. i was happy to be a husband  a father even throughout  the frustration and sadness i held on to idea of for better or worse. til death do us part.

and from one day to the next. I had to deal. had to move on. i had two boys to take care of. it was hard. it was hardest thing to deal with in my life. being utterly alone, completely unprepared to be a single father, with a 4 year old and a 2 year old.

slowly but surely, the anxiety began to fade.
the stomach turning  didnt tug and pull as hard.
i learned how to get along with myself.

man its all blessing in disguise.
this experience has made me a better father, better human, and hopefully a better partner.

i've made peace with alot of it. Even if it wasnt on my call, its something that i wanted to happen but never had the guts to go through with it.

in the process i managed to mend a bridge i had broken with stina. We reunited after 6 years of not seeing eachother. our kids got to meet and we had breakfast. It was nice. it was amazing to see how far she has come , so much shes accomplished on her own and continues to strive for.
she's still the lovely crank i remember. :)
It was great to not say much but make peace with our past. It was great to hug her after yearning for the day i would see her in person, not as a lover but a best friend.

Shes a very forgiving person a sweetheart, shes had every right to say fuck off to me for some of the things i've said to her, but she welcomed me to her home and  was happy to see me as much as i was happy to see her.or at least i hope.

i have been holding onto my idea of loving her again and the truth is i never stopped. it was tucked away, sometimes blurring the lines between lovers and friends.
but it never went away and will probably always be there to some capacity.

now i know. now im at peace with it.

i believe everything happens for a reason.
 a year later, i believe i am finding myself. i believe im a great father and a decent human who desires to be better everyday.
i can feel it in my bones.

i wanna start writing here again. but it was an outlet, not the solution to the problems.

for the first time in a long time , i've never been better. :)